


What Are the Odds of Finding Love?

by Libiesprinkles



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan Howell - Freeform, Depression, Guns, Hurt, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Oneshot, Phan - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform, Suicide, Triggers, sad thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 00:04:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6681325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Libiesprinkles/pseuds/Libiesprinkles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You will never have to be alone again, Mi Amour, Philip Michael Lester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Are the Odds of Finding Love?

**Author's Note:**

> Don't read of you get triggered by depression or suicide

Phil’s P.O.V

He ruined me was all I could say before I reached my bathroom counter. The blood trickles down my wrist as I slowly push the blade against my skin. There was nothing stopping me. His love wasn't real. It never was. He cheated on me. And there was nothing I could do. All my trust was in him, and he shattered it like it was nothing but a worthless vase.

Of course, everyone was right, they were always right. I was a fag, I was ugly, I was worthless. He was him. Just like every other guy, he was mister popular he was the bad boy of the school. The manipulative little jerk. For once, I actually thought he loved me. Oh, how I was wrong. It hurt. I felt numb, and there was nothing I could do to make this pain go away. For the rest of my life, it would never leave, it would never go away, and I knew that now. He was Dan Howell, and I was Phil Lester. All the memories, they were fake.

I looked up in the mirror, as I slowly muttered the words, "He never loved me."

That was the end of my story. It was the ending of my book, the ending of my life. I was destroyed. I couldn't look at my reflection, and at the point of no return, whatever innocence I had was thrown away. Whatever heart or hope I ever had was gone. Whatever friendship I ever had was crushed. I was crushed. I never had a best friend, and I never will now. There was no way I was going to live until tomorrow.

I had abusive parents. I had no friends. I had no future goal. Most important of all, there was nothing left of me. Nobody could bring me back, I was too deep in.

I was suddenly filled with vengeance. If Dan was going to forget about me and move on, so be it. For a while now I had been thinking about it. It wasn’t hard really, it just took guts. Death was not a fearing end, it was an old friend.

I was already dead on the inside. And seeing everyone now, nobody would care. I was just an ordinary loser. A hopeless romantic, who thought maybe he could find someone in the world to love him back. That was all I had asked for. It honestly wasn't much.

There were cuts and bruises, scattered over my body like tattoos. I was tired and alone. It felt like I was being swallowed by darkness.

I felt nothing as I made slashes down my thighs. It was all just numbness. I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream. I was trapped. Trapped in my own body, in my own misery, in my own pain. I lied there on the bathroom floor for an indefinite amount of time, holding the pills in my hand. I stared at what seemed to be like nothing. I wanted to cry so badly , but my body seemed to be stopping me. I wanted to scream in agony for all the pain he caused me.

It was his fault; He _made_ me like this. He turned me into this person, and he was a monster. The pain was indescribable. My thoughts slowly drifted as I started to grow weak. I was so horribly tired, and there was blood are over the floor. I didn't bother cleaning it. Instead, I slowly grabbed the bathroom counter to gain balance as I pulled up my pants and headed towards the door. There was no one in my house and at that moment, my mind was full of fury. If he was going to feel nothing of my humiliation, I was going to show him how bad an idea that truly was. I was going to show him wrong. He was going to watch me die.

I rummaged through my drawers looking for my revolver, still gripping onto the pills. I was hesitating to use it, but now was as good time as ever. I needed it, I needed this. Now, it was my only escape.

I quickly scribbled down a note, telling my parents goodbye and what I was doing. It wouldn't matter, but at least they would have something to remember me by.

I trekked what seemed like miles to Dan's house, and with all the blood loss I had, my balance was off. There, I stood in front of Dan's house. Slightly agitated, I pounded at the door. It quickly swung open as I saw PJ in a robe. I scoffed, stepping inside the house before he had the chance to say anything.

“It's remarkable to see all the memories that were made in this house,” I said.

He scoffed at my comment, replying with, “It was all fake. Get over it.”

That's when a wave of emotion settled over me. It felt like pain and hurt and pleasure at all once. It was horrible. But nonetheless, my death was inevitable. If anything, it sped up the process.

"Where's Dan," I spat.

"He will be coming, don't worry," he replied, smirking.

PJ was right. There Dan was with his hobbit hair, standing in nothing but a pair of boxers.

”Oh, Phil uhmm.. Hi."

"I can’t believe that's all you have to say to me!" Tears started trickling down my cheeks as I pulled out the revolver from my satchel.

Everyone was right, Dan Howell, you were nothing but a whore. If you wanted to throw away my trust then watch me die.

”I was already dead, you know. Maybe for once I thought someone could save me, I thought _you_ could save me.”

I looked him right in the eye. That was all I had to say before aiming the gun at my head. I adjusted it perfectly so it aligned with my skull. Dan stood there emotionless.

PJ quickly replied, “Yeah right, Phil Lester, you have the guts to do that. You’re bluffing.”

My mind was pooling with rage as I muttered my final words, “I will never stop loving you, Dan Howell.”

I pulled the triggered. Loud gunshots ringing in my ears, I fell to the ground.

It was done, everything felt peaceful, and maybe for once everything was right in the world. Maybe for once, I was finally happy, my fight was over, and my demons had won.

”Phil, you idiot! I thought you would never do that!”

PJ came to Dan's side, trying to cheer Dan up. “Do you see this, he’s finally gone and we can be together. You don't have to worry anymore, Dan.”

On Dan’s left was Phil's satchel, and he gently pried it out of Phil’s hands. There was a letter inside of the pouch, and it had blood splatters all over it. It was in beautifully written cursive.

_Dear Daniel,_

I thought maybe you would've loved me. I still remember the first time you helped me when I was being chased by Luca and his gang. All I wanted was someone to actually appreciate me. At first you helped me feel actually wanted in this world. It's okay though, I understand I was a depressing, worthless piece of trash. I mean who could really ever love me? I was an ordinary abused boy who was looking for a lover. But it will never happened now.

It wasn't just you who triggered my death you know, it was my parents. They never accepted me for who I was, and they kept trying to say I could be “fixed.” Is this fixed? But it's okay, I mean, then you came along. And you were the only thing that kept me alive for so long. The big, bad, Dan Howell, fiercest to protect his love. It was great while It lasted and I loved every single moment of it. As much as I really do hate you, I want you to be happy. Even on my worst enemy, I could really never wish death upon someone. This death had been planned already, I mean how do you think I got my revolver? Keep going. Move on from me. I was just another obstacle in your path, and you didn't have to put up with me, but you did. Dan James Howell, you brought me so much joy, but you brought pain along with it. I love you and will never stop. So farewell, hope you are happy with PJ, you deserve him.

Sincerely,

Philip Lester

First Person Dan P.O.V

His death had haunted me ever since the first week. That dream of him comforting me was a piece of my imagination it was never real. None of it was ever real, his voice echoed through my brain every night, haunting me.

I am the one to blame, I made him kill himself my stupid ego in high school. Every day, I wake up dreading why I did that. It had always been my fault since the day I met him. He was a boy with hope and innocence and I was the one who ripped it to shreds. He was an important aspect of my life that now had my life in shambles. I needed him. My life was wasted to the grief and distressed I had not only caused for him but for myself.

He loved me, I loved him, I broke his heart because I was to scared to face the facts. I didn't want to show the affection. This pain was caused by me and me only.

I sat there sobbing, trembling and panicking to only hear Phil's voice in my head. I never even apologized to him let alone officially broke up with him.

I still loved him to this day and it had mentally scarred my heart. From the very beginning of the week that he had died, one thing I kept hidden in the back of my head. Now, after several years I knew I had no purpose for anyone else in this world other than Phil, he was my only purpose. For a while, I had begun to realize that but never have I sensed such a strong urge to fulfill my promises.

Hesitating, I moved to the side of my bed and grabbed the frame bringing it with me as I headed towards the laundry room. There, on top of my washing machine was the bleach. I knew this was it.

It was my escape to finally be with him, the only way that, I could possibly pay my respects, to finally see him again. I took the bottle and twisted it as I heard a popping noise. Tempted to stop, my mind took full control and I chugged down the bleach. With a queasy and burning sensation in my stomach, I rummaged through my medicine cabinet to find a couple of different pills.

I popped them open and through them into my mouth swallowing them dry. After a couple of minutes everything started to kick in as I started to feel nauseated and sick.

With all the voice and strength I had left, holding the frame of Phil and I, I whispered the thoughts that I had left.

”I love you Phil, I am sorry that I ever hurt you. Forgive me. Please that's all I ask.”

Everything became darkness.

You will never have to be alone again, Mi Amour, Philip Michael Lester.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope this wasn't confusing, this is my first fic So how are you guys doing? Tell me what you guys think of the story and give me some feedback


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